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100 Ways

by Toby Foster

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1.
i found myself missing you more than i ever thought i would and i was terrified by the codependency that i swore off swore i'd never be a part of told myself that i don't need anyone else but what if those love songs and romantic comedy endings were right all along? what if i was wrong? i didn't sleep again last night every time i opened up my eyes i saw you snoring soundly by my side can't you just be quiet one damn night? but i am so glad to see you i am so sad to leave you / and i never thought i'd say that i found myself missing you more than i ever thought i would and i was terrified by the thought of just one more night alone
2.
Witch Hunt 02:58
let me die before i do more harm than good just let me decompose and feed this earth from which i've taken so much let me shed resentment and embrace acceptance of the things that i can't change because if every day's a battle well, i'll just lay down my guns and if every day's a witch hunt i'll just say okay, okay, okay just let me die let me live with some degree of surety and with some concern for future versions of myself and when i suffer let it be for something more than the way i feel today let me sacrifice for someone else because if every day's a battle well, i'll just lay down my guns and if every day's a witch hunt i'll just say okay, okay, okay just let me die before i do more harm than good just let me decompose and feed this earth from which i've taken so much i keep taking so much i keep taking so much
3.
how many ways can i say i'm restless, i'm tired, uneasy i'm bored, i'm thinking of leaving of running, but not quite away just far enough so i can see what you see when you're looking at me then maybe i can let go keep the thoughts from closing in you said you can't see the forest for the trees or was it the trees for the forest? "we've got time but this world's not for us" you said as we walked away from fires i don't think we started and if i had a hand i'm sorry i know that we'll find home eventually in the forest or the trees i used to think that you and i could get along until i saw the way you acted on that stage like you were too good for this town well, the college kids all lined up to buy your overpriced stuff i finished my beer and went home and thought about how you said you can't see the forest for the trees or was it the trees for the forest? "we've got time but this world's not for us" you said as we walked away from fires i don't think we started and if i had a hand i'm sorry i know that we'll find home eventually we're so happy when we're drinking we're so happy when we're singing we're happy riding in the van but i'm so lonely on the west coast, so tired by the east coast thinking maybe i could, thinking maybe i should have just stayed home how many ways can i say i'm restless, i'm tired, uneasy i'm bored, i'm thinking of leaving of running, but not quite away just far enough so i can see was it the forest, was it just some trees? thinking maybe i should just stay out of nature entirely
4.
The Settling 02:42
with no one left to look up to, we stumble slowly towards the settling of differences for something like companionship with nothing left to work towards except getting up at nine to go to work we proclaim how happy we would be if we were younger, freer, and wealthier if we would quit smoking if we would eat healthier if we could just get away for a weekend or two - somewhere sunny - then we could breathe easy with nowhere left to run to we're so crowded we complain of all the space that's taken up by high rises and interstates and if we had our way we'd just move out somewhere amongst the trees, and birds, and things live off the land if only we were younger, freer, and wealthier if we would quit smoking if we would eat healthier if we could just get away for a weekend, but somewhere with cell phone reception then we could finally breathe fill my lungs with poisoned air inhale deeply, exhale with a sense of longing to be anywhere but here shut the windows, close the doors and complain when we can't breathe easy i thought this smog would clear, it's not how i imagined it would be easy
5.
they found the cancer seven months before my birth and you got better, i felt my worth at six years old you said, "you saved my life, you know" well since then i have always been emotional some years later, you explained how they don't call it anymore manic depression you're going to get it well, since then, i guess i've been a bit on edge so when i call you, and you don't call me back or i don't see you, and i don't know why i fear i'm all out of good time and not hurting or being hurt is worth not being alive
6.
for every day you're disappointed there's another day you find something to believe in like the look in your eyes when you're singing think i know just about what you're thinking and these are the days that we'll talk about when we're old and jaded i can see it now it's first friday, we're slurring our words we don't do this too much anymore, i swear we're ignoring the bartender closing, talking about our glory days 'cause for every day you find something to believe in there's another day you're disappointed like how i hate songs about singing, but i still write songs about singing how i hate songs about drinking what else do you do as you slowly descend into high functioning alcoholism? you're in control, but just barely you're speeding or slamming on the brakes prematurely or just a few seconds too late i'm assigning human qualities to cats and dogs i swear i'm fine but i'm feeling sentimental for lost t-shirts, certain hand soaps, and math homework the feeling that washes over me i can't explain except that for every day you're disappointed at least it's another day to find something to believe in that will outlast your next disappointment
7.
you used to be happier i know that we are searching for someone to outlast us you used to be happier i can't believe you put up with what you put up with to keep from being lonely but i know you you believe (in) the way a crowded room fills with energy me, i just see no place to breathe when you are wide-eyed, i am asleep saw your face from across the room you looked miserable, i looked confused how'd we get to the point where we feel so alone in such close company? you used to be happier i know that we are searching for someone to pass the time with now you seem happier i can't believe you put up with that shit for so long but i know you you believe in everyone else, i just believe in myself so stubborn it seems, sometimes, to me i'm still drowning, just treading my feet saw your face from across the room we're both still miserable, so what's the use? so selfish, it seems, is the life for me i won't get shocked by static electricity
8.
100 Ways 02:44
in the other room, i wonder, "what was that you said?" because just the other day, i thought, "well, we are such good friends" and every time things get too easy something just up ahead comes crashing down just the other day, when i thought how nice it is that i can walk almost anywhere well, you came, you gave me the fear that i should give up the dream of being anything at all in my small town and when 100 things tell you to stay, the one that says, "go away," sings loud and with 100 ways to greet the day you lie in bed and tell yourself, "if you were someone else you'd be awake" and pretty soon tomorrow is today in the other room, i wonder, "what was that you said?" my head is spinning with the shit you talk about all your old friends and every time i let myself alone too long, the panic creeps on back how many ways can i tell myself, "i'm not strong enough, or smart enough, or living up to the potential for my life" how many ways can i deny myself the chance to look on the bright side? and when 100 things tell you to stay, the one that says, "go away," sings loud and with 100 ways to greet the day you lie in bed and tell yourself, "if you were someone else you'd be awake" and pretty soon tomorrow is today
9.
you won $200 playing blackjack and spent it all before the night was through (the) bartender knew our drinks before we ordered oh, i miss those nights hanging out with you watching tv, getting drunk ‘til morning talking about how we should take a cruise spend some time in mexico or something oh, i miss those nights hanging out with you and in the morning when we wake up, sober, thinking, "where do we go now?" i close my eyes for a few desperate moments i don't know but i know we will make it there somehow (we) flew 4,000 miles across the ocean with just our backpacks and the clothes we wore we drank wine until the flight attendant said, "i don't think you should have anymore" exhausted and with a splitting headache, we slept through that whole first afternoon when we woke up, we were so excited oh, i miss those nights hanging out with you and in the morning when we wake up, sober, thinking, "where do we go now?" i close my eyes for a few desperate moments i don't know but i know we will make it there somehow but we've said it all before how we were happy when we were fucked up and fucking up and even then, we thought that we were happy when things were like they were before so in the morning when we wake up, sober, thinking, "where do we go now?" i close my eyes for a few desperate moments i don't know but i know we will make it there somehow i don’t know but i know we will make it there somehow i don't know but i know we will make it there somehow
10.
you sang a song, said it meant something to you well, i don't see how you can feel anything when you can't stand up straight at nine o'clock, nightly i'll take my third beer at midnight then fall asleep i always wanted to be someone useful so i get up early once every two weeks clean the countertops, sweep the floors then reward myself with coffee and sweets we always said we'd be honest well, honestly, i'm just trying to stay sane running in circles has got me so tired i'm thinking of running away i always thought that i'd die onstage well, i guess that i am full of it that way ain't it wild how the years pass away? while i stay at home and quietly age we always said we'd be honest well, honestly, i'm just trying to stay sane running in circles has got me so tired i'm thinking of running away then a little spark starts a fire and i think of all of the reasons to stay but no other high gets me higher will i level out or just fade away? what would it take? what would it take? you sang a song, said it meant something to you well, i just wish i could feel anything other than this sad, sinking feeling that rattles around every day in my brain
11.
Hands 03:55
i remember your hands in the halls of our high school you never gave me the chance to say i didn't want to i could tell, even then, that you wanted more than my skin on your skin but we closed our eyes, we played at passion we both wanted so bad to fit in me and him sneaking out after dark his hand on my head in the back of my car my palms got sweaty, his smell made me sick i just thought this is what growing up is and in each other's arms we fought to find out what it really means to get by in a world that relies on distorting reality and with our legs pressed together we fought to find some way to survive like maybe we'd seen on tv from a culture that took advantage of our teenage sexuality i remember your hands that summer in chicago leaving home for the first time, we said we'll do what we want to we took it too far, and you wondered why i'd wake up at night nervous and shaking well, i was so scared of letting you down that month after month, i kept on faking it and in each other's arms we fought to find out what it really means to get by in a world that relies on distorting reality and with our legs pressed together we fought to find some way to survive like maybe we'd seen on tv from a culture that took advantage of our teenage sexuality i remember your hands in the halls of our high school we both came out with scars, lost and confused i'm not better off for it, but i'm learning every day and i hope that we can build a world where those scars finally fade

about

This is my first solo album in 7 years.

LP/CD from Lauren Records (US): www.lauren-records.com/products/585100-toby-foster-100-ways-lp-cd

Cassette from Let's Pretend Records (US): www.letspretendrecords.com/store/lpr-153-pre-order-toby-foster-100-ways

LP (Europe): www.yoyorecords.de

credits

released June 2, 2017

Toby Foster - Vocals, Guitars, & Keyboards
Matthew Lynch - Drums & Percussion
Cathleen Paquet - Guitars
Ryan Woods - Bass

All songs written by Toby Foster

Recorded by Kyle Houpt at Russian Recording in Bloomington, IN
Mastered by Mike Bridavsky at Russian Recording in Bloomington, IN
Photo by Anna Powell Teeter
Layout by Ryan Woods

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Toby Foster Bloomington, Indiana

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